I’m at a crossroads. I realize how many times those words have rolled off my lips, but never before has it seemed as real as right now. I have tossed and turned for too many nights – too many years – avoiding myself. Avoiding responsibility. And it’s all catching up now. I live too often for the moment, making compulsive decisions, struggling to delay my gratification. I have to begin to be, well, an adult. This should have happened a while ago, but unfortunately, I was too busy buying clothes I could not afford and drinking, jet setting or redecorating to avoid the reality of it all. I need to begin to envision what a “rested mind” might look like, so as to have a goal to work toward. Something that can keep me in “check” and remember why I am sacrificing today in order to live well tomorrow.
I want to be present. This has been a struggle for all my life, either living in the past or pondering the future. When I did try to be present, though, I took that as an opportunity to say “YOLO” and make a multitude of careless mistakes, like booking a flight to Miami when I have $500.00 in my checking account, or go home with the incredibly charming guy from The Princeton, knowing I am incapable of having a casual summer romance. Knowing he’ll end up breaking my heart.
I never stop to think about what “later” looks like. How my decisions and the rush of happiness they might immediately bring will take on a quite different form in the coming days; weeks; months; years: no regard for how fucking hard having a shitty credit score makes my life; a seven year prison sentence I didn’t realize I was signing up for as I got swipe happy at Bloomingdales all those years ago.
I tossed and turned in the dark last night for an hour before giving in to the realization that I would NOT be falling back asleep, at which moment I said to the ceiling, “FUCK” and got up. Let’s get the day started at 4:30 AM. Because, I mean, why not?
I hobble my way downstairs, plug in my trusty Kurig, filled myself up a cup of strong Joe, and sat down in front of my laptop. And without a true rhyme or reason, I began to write a letter to myself. It went something like this:
I have a list of things for you to do, and I only tell you these things because I love you and want what’s best for you, so if you’re brave enough to look yourself dead on in the mirror, soak in the things I’m about to tell you to do:
Get to work on time. Get anywhere on time. Break the cycle of being “that person” who can’t be held accountable to arrive when expected. Go to bed early enough that waking up in the morning is not a chore that your body fights, but instead feels refreshed and ready to get the day going. Go to church and find peace there. Start sharing your writing, getting it out there. Don’t worry what people think, only God can judge you. Never drink alone. Never text when you drink. Never text when you’re angry. Actually, consider never texting at all.
Let yourself “sleep on it” before your spill your guts. Write things out if you are unsure of how you want a message to be delivered or when you experience anxiety over how a scenario might pan out in result of your actions. Save your money and pay your bills. Accept that you have debt, and you can wish all the live long day that if only you won the Power Ball, all your problems would disappear. Instead, accept that you can only take things one day at a time and it will take years for you to improve your credit; years to be debt free.
Be honest: with yourself as well as others. Accept your tendency to act codependent, moody and dramatic. Accept that this is why some of those relationships you seemed to care so much about at the time didn’t work out. Accept that it’s okay they didn’t. Did you ever stop to think that maybe – just maybe – you weren’t ready for anything more? You were too lost in the clouds, trying to figure yourself out, and wouldn’t have known the real deal if it showed up on your doorstep? Did you ever think that perhaps you couldn’t have met your soulmate yet, because you aren’t the same person as you were last week? Last month? Last year? Just…do yourself a favor and embrace the truth in knowing that timing is everything. All things happen in their own time. Just chill the fuck out. Because if God brings you to it, he’ll bring you through it. It’s just the way it goes.
It’s time to move on. Because just like Don Draper said, “I have a life. It only goes one direction. Forward..”
All Your Love,
Talk about Transformation Thursday. Let’s do this shit.